Малайские анекдоты

[Pavel]

Сегодня пил пиво с малайцами - рассказали мне анекдот. Оказывается у них тоже они есть.

Едут в поезде франзуц, индонезиец и малайец. Франзуц открывает дорогое вино, делает глоток и выбрасывает бутылку в окно со словами:
- У нас этого добра навалом.
Едут дальше. Индонезиец достает хорошие индонезийские сигареты, делает затяжку и выбрасывает всю пачку в окно со словами:
- У нас этого добра навалом.
Едут дальше. Малаец сидит, сидит, затем хватает индонезийца и выбрасывает в окно со словами:
- У нас этого добра навалом.



Еще один анекдом рассказали, но он был очень длинный, а малаец был пьян и потом вообще его вырубило, т.ч. я не ухватил суть

Знаете ли вы какие-нибудь местные анекдоты?

[Juliya]

Олимпиада, хоккейный матч США - Беларусь. Диктор объявляет, что 90% болеют за США, 9,99% за Беларусь и только один человек - за никому неизвестную сборную Малайзии. Тут все внимание на него, а это Лукашенко с флагом кричит:
- Малайцы! Малайцы!

(Малайцы-перевод с белорусского молодцы)
Может не совсем местный анектод,но мне понравился

[ilyasr2]

Pavel, бедные малайцы у тебя .
Juliya, у вас очень интересный анекдот!!! жыве беларуси)

[Samirka]

На русском как то не очень..воть


There are three major races in Malaysia - Malay, Chinese and Indian.
Malays:
The Malays have the political power and so they set up the party UMNO, which literally means "U Must Not Object".
Chinese:
The Chinese, on the other hand, controls most of the Economy and they called their party MCA which means "Money Conquers All".
Indians:
Then there are the Indians who have no say in politics or economics. They set up their party called MIC. Hence, every Parliamentary meeting the Indians would ask: "Must I Come?"

[Samirka]

Индус, китаец и малаец попали в аварию.По дороге в больницу на скорой они умерли.Через некоторое время,индус открывет глаза. Удивленные, врачи спрашивают,как так?
Индус: Я помню, разбился, а затем там был красивый свет, а затем
китаец, малаец и я стояли у ворот Небес.

Ангел подошел к нам и сказал, что мы были слишком молоды, чтобы умереть, и что пожертвовав 50$, мы могли бы вернуться на землю. Конечно, я вытащил мой бумажник и дал ему 50$ и вот я здесь.
Врачи: Это удивительно! Но что случилось с двумя другими? В последний раз я их видел; Китаец торговался за цену, а Малаец ждал что правительства заплатит за него.

[Pavel]

Ха-ха. Последний анекдот в точку!

[Pavel]

Mr. Samy-vellu went for the recent United Nations' Meeting. He represented the Malaysian Prime Minister.All nations were discussing about space exploration by the year 2003. Here are some of the conversations:

China Delegate : "By the year 2003, China will start their moon exploration project."

Russian Delegate : "We too, we are going to explore the moon. This time we will see to it that our cosmonauts will step on the moon."

George Bush & Clinton : "We the United States will also explore the moon for the second time."

Malaysian Delegate: "By the year 2003, Malaysia will explore the sun."

There was a long silence. Bush stood up and asked the Malaysian delegate:"Isn't it too hot to explore the sun?"
Samy Vellu (after a long silence):"We will do it in the evening."

кто такой Samy Vellu не знаю.

[Zman]

Pavel
очень известный министр труда и самый главный индус в малайзии, по ящику часто показывают...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samy_Vellu

[Pavel]

One day, a Matt Salleh ('whiteman' in Malay) from UK arrived at KLIA Airport. After he checked out from the Customs, he felt he wanted to relieve himself. So he went in search for a toilet. When he found it, an old lady was sitting in front of the toilet, acting as the cashier. When he was about to enter the toilet, the old lady stopped him and asked for the payment.

'Say Kok' which means forty cents in Cantonese, as the lady spoke no English.

The Mat Salleh was surprise and wondered why in Malaysia, they have to 'see cock' before they have to enter the toilet.

So he said 'no'

..But the old lady insisted. 'Say Kok' 'Say Kok'.

Since he has got no choice, he unzipped and took out his cock and showed it to her.

The old lady said.'No, no DUIT' 'DUIT' which means money Malay.

The Mat Salleh misunderstood her again as he thought she said, 'DO IT!' 'DO IT!'

So he asked, 'Where? Here?'

The old lady just said 'Ya, ya' and nodded her head as she didn't understand English.

The Mat Salleh thought that she agreed to have sex with him, so he stripped the old lady and made love to her. But the old lady screamed,

'SAKIT! SAKIT!' ('pain' in Malay). Yet again the Mat Salleh thought she asked him to 'SUCK IT' 'SUCK IT' and so he grabbed the old lady's breast and sucked it good and hard.

The old lady screamed again, 'Ahhhh TUHAN' (Oh my God in Malay).

'TOO HARD' Ok, I'll be gentle a bit, alright?

The Mat Salleh replied and continued his grooving actions.

'Tolong! TOLONG!' (Help! Help! in Malay).

Thinking otherwise, the Mat Salleh replied 'It's not TOO LONG, just 10 inches.'

[ilyasr2]

Pavel, oh sh*t this is too sexy!

[ilyasr2]

Кстати, Сами Веллу - это самый смешной министер в Малайзии!

Плохо по-малайски говорит, иногда люди по-другому его понимают! например,

hisap - сосать
dadah - наркотик
а если без h в конце , dada - грудь

однажды он сказал anak-anak muda hari ini suka hisap dada , а не hisap dadah . в результате, вот так люди поняли - нынче молодежь любит сосать 'грудь', а не 'наркотик'.

[ilyasr2]

однажды также сказал : marilah menderma dara (давайте дарим девственность), вместо marilah menderma darah (давайте дарим кровь). dara - дественность, darah - кровь !!

[Pavel]

А я слышал что самый смешной политик сейчас - это Бадави, который натурально спит на совещаниях. И когда была встреча с Тони Блэром он тоже заснул

[ilyasr2]

А я слышал что самый смешной политик сейчас - это Бадави, который натурально спит на совещаниях. И когда была встреча с Тони Блэром он тоже заснул

не люблю я его. лучше иди домой спать!

[Samirka]

ХаХа Хихи!
Спасиб ребята,насмешили!

Вот ещё на английском

Samy Vellu was visiting India when he fell and broke his jaw and was unable to speak. Being the great leader that he was, he continued his grand tour. On the last week of his visit, the RTM crew was present for his press conference. Although unable to speak, Samy insisted on sending a message home to his Cabinet colleagues.

Samy caught a chicken and showed it to camera. He next took a goat, and showed it to the camera. Finally he took a bag and displayed in front of the camera.

Dr Ling was the first to see the video clips. He said : "Samy is telling us that India has insufficient food because he showed us chicken and goat, and he wants Malaysia to donate bags of rice."

Mahathir watched silently then said: "No lah! What Samy is trying to say is he is coming back!!!

The whole Cabinet was puzzled and look to Mahathir for an explanation.
Mahathir reasoned : "Ayam Kambing Bag" (I am coming back!!!)

-------------

There were these three guys at a cafe, drinking their coffee - an Malay guy, an Indian guy, and a Chinese guy.

They saw a really attractive waitress and commented on her good looks. Next thing you know they started to make bets on who can get her to go out with them first.

The waitress overheard them, and she went up to them and said, "Hey, I heard you talking about me. Well, I like an intelligent guy, so let’s see who can make the best sentence using the words ’liver’ and ’cheese’."
So the Malay guy had a go first - "That’s easy. I love liver and I hate cheese."
The waitress shook her heard in disgust.
The Indian guy said, "Well, I hate liver and I love cheese."
The waitress said, "That is so stupid. That’s essentially the same thing!"
Then the Chinese guy stood up and put his arm around the waitress’ waist. "Liver alone, cheese mine!"

Ну а этот мне просто очень понравился!

If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because Chinese would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake!

[wawa]

[wawa]

Driving it home The reckless driver of the taxi went through red lights and swerved around corners. His sole passenger, scared out of his wits, just stopped himself saying, “You drive like you own the road when you don’t even own the taxi,” and managed, “Please be careful – I have ten children at home.” The taxi driver retorted, “ You have 10 children and you’re telling me to be careful?”

[wawa]

Dr. Mahathir was about to send the first Malaysian rocket into space.

3 potential astronauts were called for an interview - one Indian, one Malay and one Chinese.

Dr. M interviews the Indian first: "So, Muthu, this is a dangerous mission... how much do you think you should be paid for it?"

Muthu thinks to himself and says, "1 million ringgit."
"Why so much?" asks Dr. M.
"Nowadays toddy wery expensive, Datuk..." replies Muthu.
"I see," said Dr. M. "Thank you... please ask the Malay guy to come here."


So the Malay walks up, and is asked the same question.
"Uh... 2 million boleh lah," replies the Malay applicant.
"2 million? That's a lot of money! Even the aneh before you only asked for one million!"
"You see, Datuk," explained Mat. "I have 4 wives and 15 children...so, 20 of us in the family, we need a lot of money to support ourselves..."
"I see," said Dr. M. "Okay, can you ask the Chinese guy to come up here now?"

The Chinese guy comes in and Dr. M asks, "Ah Chong, this is a dangerous mission... how much do you think you should be paid?"
Ah Chong thinks for a while, and suddenly says, "3 million."
Mahathir is shocked. "WHAT?!?! 3 million? Why so much?!"
Ah Chong beckons Dr. M to come closer, and whispers, "One million you keep, one million I keep, and then one more million to send the aneh into space."